Tumblr thoughts

I logged into Tumblr today. Part of me was curious to see what people had to say under "I want to disappear". As I continued to scroll down, post after post, there were only sad, empty, and self-hatred thoughts. It made me feel shocked at times, yet part of me related to some. It made me feel weird to see how many posts I found. It almost made me question whether or not these were all truthful or if most of them were being perpetrated by this website, or other social media. I guess it could help with awareness, but it is also helping continue this endless cycle that spirals the fragile into a hopeless pit of emptiness and sadness. I don't know where I wanted to take this, but it was just an observation I made. Life's tough, and our socially constructed ways have made these things worse for some while continuing to ignore the issue. I don't know. I really wish it was possible to talk to people who are gone, but we don't always know if that is possible, or just a thought our minds begin to construct. All I know is that I've learned to appreciate the green in life a lot more than I used to. Well, that is if I'm being present at all. Sometimes it's difficult to not fall into these daily routines, but we all have a love/hate relationship with routines. Just more jumbled up thoughts. The end I guess. Not sure how to end this, so I'll leave it at that for now.

I needed to write. I needed to think. I needed to breathe.

Well, I really don't know where this will lead, but I'll just continue to write to see where it goes. The truth is that there's so much emptiness being felt and I don't know what may be causing it. 2016 Has not been a great year, but then again, I can't remember if the years prior were any good either. I find myself wanting to cry and I have no reason for it. Part of it might be because I miss a friend I lost in July, part of it has no explanation. The last half of 2016 has been tough as I've been surrounded by death directly and indirectly.

I used to think that moving to a different city full of life would fix me. I would think I would gain some life from it. At first I did gain life. I did improve, yet life seems to be drawn away from me. It's weird to see how many broken people I'm surrounded by. I always seem to be the magnetic force that attracts them to me so I could help them. I don't know if I should when sometimes I don't even know if I will be able to help myself. I think the only difference that sets me apart from them and helps me be that extra push they need is the fact that somewhere deep inside I still don't like to quit. As much as I say I want to quit doing something and give up on everything, I don't allow myself to do it. I realize I am lucky to be where I am, but that should also not be something that helps dismiss this emptiness and sadness I guess. I don't really know what it is.

I continue to question everything and sometimes I even find myself hating everything. I don't know what to do anymore, but no one really has a clue what to do. We're all a bunch of floating entities somehow still managed to be tied together. I sometime wish I could be a caring human being, but reality is I never seem to care enough to actually do things. But all I do is try to feel and care about certain people or issues. How can you help people when you can't even help yourself? It's interesting because even when I feel like I'm gasping for air, I still help others stay afloat.

I grow tired by the second, but I always have enough energy to make it by. I feel like I constantly push people away because it drains too much of my energy to put any effort, yet sometimes I wonder if that's also the reason why I grow tired. I have fallen into a place where I like to talk to people over  screen but sometimes don't want to meet in person because it would take too much energy. I feel bad for being this way, but then again I continue being the same. Comfort is my worst enemy which is why I have fallen into this hole. I don't want to change but I constantly try to find some change only to keep falling back into comfort. I don't know what to do. I'm on a constant panic mode while simultaneously being in a "chill" and relaxed numbness. I just want to sleep but I don't. I just want to do things but I don't. I just want to be, but I don't even know if I do that. No change will happen unless it is a change made within, but there's no way to know whether that will happen, so I guess for now I'll continue to drift.

What is love?

Love. It's really a word and feeling that most may not fully understand. The idea of love can be, to some people, be like the idea of God. Everyone sees love in a different perspective. For some reason, now the idea of true love can be viewed as a broken dream, and lost hopes. No one has stopped to think about what it really is or means. Love has no boundaries and does not judge. The controversy that the right thing to do is to be in a "normal" relationship, it being a heterosexual relationship. The idea of a same sex relationship has always been a controversial subject, because that's how people have treated it. 

Who ever made it the norm to be in a man/woman relationship? I believe that people should have the right to have their own preferences, as love is blind and has no limits. It is only "weird" to be in a same sex relationship because people have been thought to believe that it is not the right way, and as history shows, human nature does not like things out of the ordinary. The question I have is real simple, and as simple as it is, it needs to be thought of, so people can see things from a different perspective. My question is: Why can't people who have full rights put themselves in the shoes of those being oppressed from being happy, and see that it is not right to have certain people being kept from what they love? 

What if the same sex relationships were considered normal, and an opposite sex relationship was out of the norm? Wouldn't it be either way the same? People can't really see the fact that no matter what anyone's preferences are, they can't be changed, as it is who they are. The society we live in may start to be going in a more "accepting" way, but towards the wrong reasons. Everyone is becoming less and less educated, making it easier for history to repeat instead of changing. They want to be "free", but why are others still being hated? We are becoming more and more of standbys and sometimes many add on to the troubles of those screaming for help.

We are all humans, and no one should deserve to be oppressed from the things they love. Isn't that part of the fact of why we are now diverse? Well, then how come the diversity stop being limited by prejudice and hate?  

Change of Times Affect "Anarchists"

As we all see around everyone is trying so hard to not fit in, except the harder they try the more insecure they become and begin to dress like the rest. It may be "fashion" but in reality it's just another way for you to fit in :D. 

Goths seem to not be as common, but by not common I mean those who follow the old looks and interests that would consider them as Goths. Those that consider themselves Goths now a days are really nothing near to looking the same as the ones before, but really, why must there be a standard set on how to look?

Next on this list of "Hardcore Anarchists" are your so called hippies. It's hard to really tell who are your hippies now a days, especially since everyone thinks hippies are just pot-smoking-spiritual people. Well, to a point those things may be true, but I believe they also are in the list of Anarchists, because they always protested against the oppressor. Your so called "Hipsters" dress like the Hippies used to, but then again, most of these genres and labels have been affected by the "vintage look". It's always about fashion now a days. 

What about the Grunge genre? Well, they generally have the "I could care less attitude". Many consider it being trashy, but only because they are blinded by the fact of needing to look like you care about your appearance. If you look at the way of dress, Grunge of today's time, looks fashionable and like they took time to look like they could care less, but in a fashionable way at all times. Surely these "total anarchists" don't care. Ha! This shows the BIG difference of our generation being all about anarchy.

Oh and last but not least, Punk genre does not fall behind in change of scenes. It's sad that real punks are falling behind. These so called "punks" are also all about anarchy and what not, yet they say but don't act. The new punks always talk about anarchy and going against the man, yet what do they do? They go out and buy expensive clothing lines. By doing this, you know what they're doing?.. Well, THEY'RE FEEDING THE MAN! True meaning of anarchy is not only to stand out, but also to stand up and do something about the corruption. Just because you buy expensive hair products to dye your hair or fancy "punk clothing" does not make you a punk anarchist. Yet, this idea has become the the main part of the new punk scene. 

Sad to see that the fellow Anarchists' ideas are being lost to the new ideas of fashion. If you look at all of the pictures of each genre from before, you will see there were things that set them apart from one another. Look at all the genres and scenes of today's time and what do you see?.. The only thing I see is conformity of fashion. These genres have become a mere sense of fashion then being a way of expression. There are many similarities throughout the scenes of our generation, which shows the true CHANGE of times. 

Only ideas of life?

     Why are people so afraid to die? or better question yet, why are people so intrigued with the controversial idea of what comes after. By fact, we will never know what is right from wrong, as we live in a world with multiple views that are one sided. People begin to speak in a strong matter as you ask them for their opinion of what comes after, if anything does. You will always find the strong religious views and strong scientific views. Based on documentaries I have watched on people reincarnating from a past life, those who reincarnate usually recall memories once they are children at their early ages while developing their speech. Once affected by their world around they begin to lose touch with their past life memories, which is why so many people are in disbelief of the unknown.
     The people who are very religious don't always believe in reincarnation. Apparently only Buddhists are the only ones who believe in such, but I have encountered many Christians and Catholics who do believe in reincarnation even if it is not taught in their religion. The on going battle to prove the unknown certainty of coming back to life as another living organism causes new ideas to come up, not only of what comes after, but also about whether it occurs in a certain manner, per say natural selection.
    Scientists try to stay in disbelief with the fact of reincarnation, as they cannot, in any way explain these things. They believe in science and because science cannot prove to them that it is possible, they stay in belief that it is all gibberish or a mere coincidence.
     Day's back I was watching a movie in class, which caused my friend to tell me, "Janely, I don't want to die. I'm scared. I mean, what comes after? Is it really about we die and there's nothing more?". This not only got her thinking, but she kept asking me over and over. Out of all the questions she asked me and really not getting the answer she wanted to hear from me she said, "Then what is the point of life? Why are we here if life is stupid and nothing comes next."
     My answers to all of her questions were direct and at a point making a little joke out of her questions. I would tell her, "Well, if we die then we die. It will eventually have to happen, so why fret about it? Life is really here for us to follow as always and nothing more..LISTEN TO THE GUMMIT!...Well actually not all true because we must end up finding interests and go from there.", which really only frustrated her and made her get more questions. This also made her go in denial and not wanting to believe me since it's all said in a sarcastic manner. Of course I have no way to prove my ideas ,as we may never know the whole piece to the picture of life.