Tumblr thoughts

I logged into Tumblr today. Part of me was curious to see what people had to say under "I want to disappear". As I continued to scroll down, post after post, there were only sad, empty, and self-hatred thoughts. It made me feel shocked at times, yet part of me related to some. It made me feel weird to see how many posts I found. It almost made me question whether or not these were all truthful or if most of them were being perpetrated by this website, or other social media. I guess it could help with awareness, but it is also helping continue this endless cycle that spirals the fragile into a hopeless pit of emptiness and sadness. I don't know where I wanted to take this, but it was just an observation I made. Life's tough, and our socially constructed ways have made these things worse for some while continuing to ignore the issue. I don't know. I really wish it was possible to talk to people who are gone, but we don't always know if that is possible, or just a thought our minds begin to construct. All I know is that I've learned to appreciate the green in life a lot more than I used to. Well, that is if I'm being present at all. Sometimes it's difficult to not fall into these daily routines, but we all have a love/hate relationship with routines. Just more jumbled up thoughts. The end I guess. Not sure how to end this, so I'll leave it at that for now.

I needed to write. I needed to think. I needed to breathe.

Well, I really don't know where this will lead, but I'll just continue to write to see where it goes. The truth is that there's so much emptiness being felt and I don't know what may be causing it. 2016 Has not been a great year, but then again, I can't remember if the years prior were any good either. I find myself wanting to cry and I have no reason for it. Part of it might be because I miss a friend I lost in July, part of it has no explanation. The last half of 2016 has been tough as I've been surrounded by death directly and indirectly.

I used to think that moving to a different city full of life would fix me. I would think I would gain some life from it. At first I did gain life. I did improve, yet life seems to be drawn away from me. It's weird to see how many broken people I'm surrounded by. I always seem to be the magnetic force that attracts them to me so I could help them. I don't know if I should when sometimes I don't even know if I will be able to help myself. I think the only difference that sets me apart from them and helps me be that extra push they need is the fact that somewhere deep inside I still don't like to quit. As much as I say I want to quit doing something and give up on everything, I don't allow myself to do it. I realize I am lucky to be where I am, but that should also not be something that helps dismiss this emptiness and sadness I guess. I don't really know what it is.

I continue to question everything and sometimes I even find myself hating everything. I don't know what to do anymore, but no one really has a clue what to do. We're all a bunch of floating entities somehow still managed to be tied together. I sometime wish I could be a caring human being, but reality is I never seem to care enough to actually do things. But all I do is try to feel and care about certain people or issues. How can you help people when you can't even help yourself? It's interesting because even when I feel like I'm gasping for air, I still help others stay afloat.

I grow tired by the second, but I always have enough energy to make it by. I feel like I constantly push people away because it drains too much of my energy to put any effort, yet sometimes I wonder if that's also the reason why I grow tired. I have fallen into a place where I like to talk to people over  screen but sometimes don't want to meet in person because it would take too much energy. I feel bad for being this way, but then again I continue being the same. Comfort is my worst enemy which is why I have fallen into this hole. I don't want to change but I constantly try to find some change only to keep falling back into comfort. I don't know what to do. I'm on a constant panic mode while simultaneously being in a "chill" and relaxed numbness. I just want to sleep but I don't. I just want to do things but I don't. I just want to be, but I don't even know if I do that. No change will happen unless it is a change made within, but there's no way to know whether that will happen, so I guess for now I'll continue to drift.